Two Vietnamese refugees have just arrived in the United States
by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we
shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the refugees points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
On a flight from Saigon to Los Angeles, an American sat beside a Vietnamese. American asked Vietnamese, "What kind of "ese" are you?
"What kind of "ese" are you?"
"Excuse me, I don't understand what you meant."
"Stupid! Are you Vietnamese, Chinese or Japanese?"
"Oh! I am a Vietnamese."
After 2 hours. Vietnamese asked American: "What kind of "kee" are you?
"What? What do you mean by key?"
"Are you monkey, donkey or Yankee."
elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French
customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
The Funeral Sermon
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a derelict man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was held way back in the country. This man would be the first to be laid to rest at this cemetery.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost. Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions. But I finally arrived, an hour late, and I saw the crew and backhoe; however the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, (who looked puzzled) I stepped to the side of the open grave and find the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do.
As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch, I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory" (they must have been Baptist). I preached and I preached as I have never preached before. I began from Genesis and progressed all the way to Revelation. I preached for two hours and 45 minutesit
was a long and lengthy service. I finally closed in prayer and it was finished. As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another. "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years and I ain't never seen anything like this before!
THE CAB DRIVER AND THE NUN
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab,
and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop
staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive".
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that .Number 1 -you have to be single and Number 2 - you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
" My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
A Man was walking down a street when he heard
a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your
head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Thought 4 #
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom.
Police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The Officer says, " I clocked you at 80 mph. sir." The driver says, "Gee,
officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, " Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, " Dammit woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT TO HECK UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
Stress Reliever #1
Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Stress Reliever # 4
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Stress Reliever # 5
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
Stress Reliever # 6
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
Stress Reliever # 7
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
Stress Reliever # 8
Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?
Wife replied: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!
Stress Reliever # 9
Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S. ?
Answer: Because people started licking the wrong side.
Stress Reliever # 1 0
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humour.
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to
the Arabs and said, "I have
you that will make your lives better.
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"We'll take 10."
There, that ought to offend just about everybody.
the first class of English as Second Language (ESL), the teacher asked a
- Whatīs your name?
- My name is LONG.
The teacher asked once again:
- Please tell me your name!
The not too young Vietnamese student replied:
- My name is LONG!
The teacher got mad, raised the voice and ask:
- Whatīs the matter with you! Please tell me your name, even if itīs so LO..O..O NG !!!
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make
this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really
outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said - - "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So, the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chair to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous
topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said:
- "Good morning, Father. Good
morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said:
- "Just a minute, young lady."
- "Yes, Father?" she said.
- "We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
- "Father, it's me, Sister Katherine," she replied.
West Texas cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when
suddenly a Brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
- "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
- "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his Hi-tech miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
- "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
- "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man,
- "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
- "Okay, why not?"
- "You're a consultant for the Federal Government." says the cowboy.
- "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
- "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a damn thing about Cattle. Now give me back my dog."