1- My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food.She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2- I asked my wife: "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
She said: "Somewhere I have never been!
I told her: "How's about the kitchen?"
3- We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
4- She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said:
- "There are too many gadgets,
and no place to sit down!".
So I bought her an electric chair.
5- She ran after the garbage truck, yelling: " - Am I too late for the garbage?"
" - No, jump in!" said the truck driver.
6- A husband said to his wife:
- Your mother has been living with us for 5 years now. Isn't it time that she got herself
her own apartment?
- My mother? said the shocked wife, "I thought she was your mother."
7- A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart and handsome but the third
child was dull, ugly and backward. One day the hubby got suspicious and asked:
- "Tell me the truth dear, is this third child really mine?"
- "Yes, dear," replied the wife, " but the other two are not."
8-One day a father called his 6 children together and asked:
- Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last week and did everything
In one voice they all replied: - You, daddy.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab keeps staring at her. She
asks him why he is staring and he replies:
-I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
- Don't worry my son, when you have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to
see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive."
- Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.
- Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must
The cab driver is very excited and says: - Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!
The nun says : - OK, pull into the next alley.
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
- My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
- Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says: - That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.
SOCIAL SECURITY APPLICATION
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and comeback later".
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," & she processed his> social security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too.
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of The Ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: what's that?
lady 2: a condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
lady 1: where did you get it?
lady 2: you can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
lady 1: it doesn't matter as long as it fits a camel. the pharmacist fainted.
MOMMY'S DRIVERS LICENSE
8 year old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall together one day.
"Mommy," says little Mary, "How old are you?"
"Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?" demands the child.
"Well, that is something you will understand one day when you're grown-up."
"Mommy," asks Mary again, "how much do you weigh?"
"Never mind," answers the mother.
"Why can't you tell me?"
"Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh."
"Mommy," insists the child, "can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?"
"Darling," responds the mother in exasperation, "that's something still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about it now."
A few days later, Little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend at school. The friend explains how to overcome the problems.
"All you have to do is get your mother's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it'll give you anything you need."
So little Mary does as her friend recommended.
That night she sneaks into her mother's room while her Mom's cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license.
After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says, "I know how old you are! You are 35!" The mother is very surprised.
"And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?"
The mother is shocked. "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."
The mother, dumb founded asked, "Why?"
"It's because you got an F in sex (Male or female)
MARRIAGE - A Husband's Viewpoint
1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (A life sentence !!!)
2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over the strings are attached.
3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Marriage is an institution. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
5. Marriage requires a man to prepare 5 types of "RINGS" :
a) The Engagement Ring
b) The Wedding Ring
c) The SuffeRing
d) The EnduRing
e) The TortuRing
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains:
-"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says:
- "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question:
- "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
- Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer:
- "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all hisreferences, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says:
- "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks:
- "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb...?
Regarding job layoffs in the U.S.:
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarmclock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRILANKA),designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes(MADE IN KOREA).After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he coul dspend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADEIN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitlessday, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glassof wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE ININDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in....AMERICA... However, IMHO: If Joe trades in his "Made In Germany" car for a Korean's and switches his French wines to Michelob beer, he may find a "good pay" job to supporthis lifestyle. ;-))
Woman's face was severely
burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her
body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his
own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from his
buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion
at his sacrifice. She said:
- "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing
of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the
Bill's Secret Box
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under the bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said:
- "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill:
- "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
- "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took themto the recycling center and
redeemed them for cash.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
- "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said:
- "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom:
- "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered:
- "Come on, Dick, let's go."
An Insurance Funny
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
- "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed,
the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
- "Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied:
- "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said:
"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A lady golfer is stung by a wasp. She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him. "I've been stung by a wasp," She says. "Where did it get you?" He replies "Between the 1st and 2nd hole." "I think your stance must be a little too wide."
I Shot the Dog!
A women was pregnant with triplets. One day she goes into this bank. The bank is being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach!! Luckily she lives. She goes to the doctor. He says her children will be all right; one day the bullets will come out. So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story. The next day the next daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" The next day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she says "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" He replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
THE RIGHT HOLE
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fujifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
2 laughing eyes 2 loving arms 2 well shaped legs 2 warm milk containers 1 fur lined mixing bowl 1 large banana.
METHOD: 1. look into laughing eyes 2. spread well shaped legs 3. squeeze and message milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased 4. add banana and gently work in and out until creamed 5. cover with nuts and sigh with relief NOTES: bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash utensils and don't lick the bowl.
ATTENTION: IF BREAD STARTS TO RISE...LEAVE TOWN!
Bee In The Wazzu
A young woman was walking through a field gathering spring flowers. She wore a sun dress, but no underwear. When her husband came home for lunch she said she thought a bee might have gotten trapped "up there" inside her. Her husband took her to the emergency room. The doctor said to the husband, "Let's rub some honey on your penis, and maybe it will coax the bee out." The husband, refusing, said, "I brought her here for professional help." So the doctor rubs honey on his penis and inserts it into the woman. The husband, next to her the entire time, sees that after awhile his wife is starting to moan and sweat. He says, "Doctor, is it working?" The doctor, thrusting away, replies, "Coaxing it out didn't work. So now I'm going to try to shoot it out."
> Moved to Silicon Valley for a job.
> My salary is 30% higher!
> I have stock options!
> The temperature outside is 65F in winter!
> California is the best place on earth!!!
> Still looking for an apartment.
> Freeways everywhere to take you places.
> Still love California!
> Found a 1 bedroom apartment for $1900/mo.
> California is more expensive than I thought.
> Gas hit $2.29/gal.
> Somebody stole the gas from my car.
> This sucks....
> A small earthquake!
> And this is what my mother was so worried about?
> Almost didn't feel it.
> A forest fire and a mud slide near LA.
> Who cares, that is far away from me!
> A big earthquake... Spent 4 hours in my bathtub.
> Boy, that was scary.
> We had no stinking earthquakes where I came from.
> Drought! They turn on the water once a day.
> This sucks big time!
> Somebody stole the! water from my car's radiator.
> Why did I come to California?
> Decided to buy a house. Found a 2-bedroom
> fixer-upper for $800K.
> Borrowed against my stock options for down payment.
> Freeway traffic is worse. Today it took nearly two
> hours. One way.
> My startup fired 90% of the work force, including me.
> The stock lost 98% of its value.
> My options are underwater.
> Had to sell my house. Couldn't make the payments.
> Found a studio apartment for $2300/mo.
> Traffic unbearable
> Problems with electricity.
> They turn the electricity off several times a day.
> It's called "rolling blackouts."
> Who stole my car battery, and what do I do now?
> I'm typing this, stuck in an elevator, in complete
> The battery of my laptop is dying.
> Silicon Valley is no more.
> Angry hordes of former dot-commers are looting in
> the dark.
> It was fun while it lasted.
> I'm coming back home.
Subject: hee hee
The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "which body part increasesto 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered for a long time till little Mary stood up, angry, and said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal who would fire the teacher!> The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
The teacher said "very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and said,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you will be very, very disappointed
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