JOKES 1

 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem. They give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song. They give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the
money!"

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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.
 

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Are You God's Wife?
 
New York City: It's a cold day in December. A little boy about 10-year-old was standing before a shoe store on Broadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. A lady approached the boy and said, "My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?" "I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes," was the boy's reply.
 
The lady took him by the hand and went into the store, and asked the clerk to get a half dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if the clerk could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with a towel. By this time the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she then
purchased him a pair of shoes, and tying up the remaining pairs of socks, gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, my little fellow, God heard you, you feel more
comfortable now?"
 
As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face, with tears in his eyes, answered the question with these words: "Are you God's wife?"

 

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Disorder in the American Courts
 

ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?
WITNESS : No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : When is your birthday?
WITNESS : July 18th.
ATTORNEY : What year?
WITNESS : Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS : Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS : Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 


 

What Religion is Your Bra?
   
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said:

        - "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
    - "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
    - "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
    - "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
    - "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."


    Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
    - "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
    - Which one would you prefer?"
   
    Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded:

        - "It is all really quite simple:
        The Catholic type supports the masses.
        The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
        The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
        The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

        Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
   
    (A} Almost Boobs...
    {B} Barely there.
    {C} Can't Complain!
    {D} Dang!
    {DD} Double dang!
    {E} Enormous!
    {F} Fake.
    {G} Get a Reduction.
    {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

   
    They forgot the German bra.   
    Holtzemfromfloppen!
   


Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."


Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance." Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word its 50 dollars." Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
 


A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He
completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says. " Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,how could you tell?'

The old man replies, "promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."


A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.

The Dr. gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring back a
semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc,
it's like this. .

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.

She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it
between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!!??"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried,
with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."
 


Old Man

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
  One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't >been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
When he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you come out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator"

 


This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.   When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her: "What did you steal?"  

She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry.   The judge then asked her: "How many peaches were in the can?"

She replied "6".
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
  The judge said: "What is it?"
The husband said: "She also stole a can of peas."

 


I think there's somebody under the bed - - -
Ron went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it . I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll have to think about that," said Ron
Six months later the doctor met Ron on the street . "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."
 


An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."


 

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)


We always hear
"the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

 

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

5. Crying is blackmail.

6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!


7. Yes and No are
perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

8. Come to us with a problem
only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
problem See a doctor.

10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

11. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

12. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the
other one

14. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

15. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

16. Christopher Columbus did
NOT need directions and neither do we.

17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

18. If it itches, it
will
Be scratched. We do that.

19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

20. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...
Really.

22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Rugby, Sport, Cars, or Golf.

23. You have enough clothes.

24. You have too many shoes.

25. I am in shape.
Round IS a shape!

26. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.